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Oct. 6th, 2006 @ 01:00 am (no subject)
Current Music: This Darkened Heart :: All That Remains
How am i supposed to have fun, if when i hang out with my friends, all i think about is being with her

Even the greatest of adventures seem dull without her being there

Nobody compares :(

My friends will hate me for this soon enough, and it'll kill me...

I can't move on if everything i see or hear brings back memories of her

I have no idea how i'll ever be able to focus on anything if this void in me doesn't get filled

This is all nobody's fault but mine
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Oct. 4th, 2006 @ 03:55 pm (no subject)
lyrics

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have...
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in...
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down...come down...I cherish you...I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same for me...
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same, for me
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.
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Oct. 2nd, 2006 @ 09:25 pm (no subject)
Current Music: combichrist
All i've been doing lately is letting my friends down, treating them like shit and acting like nothing ever happened

i think i might be doing this...to prove my point that im a horrible person, but its really me thinking that thats making me horrible.....

i hate how i think


theres so many things i could probally do to better myself, i lay awake at night questioning why i've never even attempted
wait, i've attempted...:/

a few failures shouldn't ruin everything for me

the one relationship i ever had, lasted only 4 days. something about that made me feel like i shouldn't even try, i couldn't do anything to help her :/ then why do i expect other people to be able to help me? i guess im too lazy, and would rather have a horrible life than bother to change things

wow, i suck
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Sep. 17th, 2006 @ 07:45 pm (no subject)
everything is dead
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Sep. 3rd, 2006 @ 06:00 pm (no subject)
Well, I've been happy twice this summer


But you know what those scientists say...

"For each action there is an equal and opposite reaction"


Damnit :(
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Aug. 19th, 2006 @ 11:59 pm (no subject)
Current Music: Gwar - Im in love with a dead dog
Im in love with a dog named Pookie
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Aug. 14th, 2006 @ 05:17 pm (no subject)
i hate how things always tend to work out against me

im really afraid to have fun now, because whenever i do, it ends in shambles

my life goals right now are very grim, involving a lot of drugs and alcohol.

yeah..im gay
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Jul. 19th, 2006 @ 01:30 am (no subject)
Well, Livejournal is like a long lost friend. Like a lot of others :( Hopefully that all changes....
but hmm, lets see. my days have consisted of sleeping in until 4ish, going to work at 6, getting out at 10ish, then laying around until i fall asleep at 4 in the morning.
ANNOUNCEMENT!!!!
My birfday is on the 12th of august, and im trying to get as many people to come as possible. I really don't know why, im not going to be able to entertain anyone, and it will probally end up being all gay and boring like all my other parties. BUTTTTTT, im risking it :D So go nigga!
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Jul. 9th, 2006 @ 02:51 pm (no subject)
dang....im crazy :/
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Jun. 20th, 2006 @ 04:04 am (no subject)
Current Mood: Shat
"its better to of loved and lost, than never to of loved at all"


That quote really hits home
People who just got out of a bad relationship, or w/e, something like that, would read that quote, and be like "that is so wrong, being hurt in a relationship makes me wish i never was in one"
I wanan find these people...

And slap them across the face

People who would rather choose a life, with no ZEST, no PIZAZZ, no SPUNK....have major issues. I could only begin to imagine the pain of losing someone you love, but that stuff passes. Ugh, what am i trying to argue with this..>?

From my personally experiences, i STRONGLY agree with whoever wrote that quote

But for that to have any meaning, i'd have to experience both sides of it, and since im stuck on one, i'll let you know if i ever change my mind
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Jun. 8th, 2006 @ 06:49 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: indescribable
Current Music: Death Magick for Adepts :: C.O.F
i have a bad headache, man, it seems like i've been getting those a lot.

My summer vacation has started off pretty bad, my mom said something that really shocked me, but maybe i took it too seriously...i hope i get un-mad at her soon, things are weird.


I got home around 11:30, and just went right into my room and slept until 5:30. I woke up and was like "whoa, what am i doing here? Did i sleep all night and most of the day?" After about 4 minutes, i realized that i just had my last day of school and whatnot, im suprised that im not really excited at all.

Im quitting the meds today, well......im gonna try.

ahhhh, okay, enough said
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Jun. 5th, 2006 @ 05:36 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: listless
Current Music: Movieee
Well, this may be my last entry, considering tomorrow is doomsday and all.

I love you all :)


yeah...thats a huge load of crap, but hey, it could happen i guess.

I probally wouldn't mind much, omg, i need to quote a movie!


"Maybe living and dying are the same thing, and maybe the fact that we've turned them into two different things is why we feel so lost"
-Jesus' Son


Man, if you haven't seen that movie, you should, its amazing.


Hmm, but anyway, i feel like laying down, maybe reading some more of The Stand



yep
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Jun. 3rd, 2006 @ 09:55 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: blah
Why does everything suck soo much lately???

Blah, i want to hide under a rock all summer, im so scared its going to be like the last one :(

And Kelsey gets props, cuz shes the only one on livejournal anymore
And she should of won, not Kyle!

But i don't have anything against kyle of course


Anyway....


high five for piss
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May. 27th, 2006 @ 12:34 am The Southern Steps
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Beside you in time :: Nine Inch Nails
5 steps from suicidal

4 steps from total self loathing

3 steps from friend loss

2 steps from denial

1 step from depression

Currently...sad

I dunno if i should of put it in ascending order....but hey, whatever works right?

Depression is such a crazy word, i wrote this first...and said "currently depressed".....but im never sure about that, what is the border between utter sadness and depression anyway? Who knows...
I'll just try to keep off my feet for a while......prevent taking those steps southward

And as bad as this entry sounds, i've been in worse moods, im just thinking a lot and thought livejournaling would help me sleep :)
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May. 12th, 2006 @ 03:36 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: scared
Current Music: The Wretched :: NIN
WOw, last night was incredibly messed up. I had a series of dreams that were so vivid and intense that normal life seems soooooo dull now. I had a really really bad nightmare, maybe 2? One was just like the movie silent hill, it was sad. The other was about all my friends hating me, theres really weird parts that shocked me, and i hope they don't mean what i think they might mean...

If i like the person in my dreams, my life could get ruined........



If it already isn't now.



Who knows tho, dreams are confusing...and hopefully don't mean anything. All i know is that i should be sure to keep my medicine close, and my friends closer, before dreams come truee :(
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May. 8th, 2006 @ 03:10 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: badd
Current Music: Radar Lovee
Aghhh, i think everything sucks right about nowwww.
Everyone keeps talking about promm, and im sad, i always thought prom to be dumb, but now that it is coming around, im upset i have nobody to go with :/ Im upset about a lot of things actually, dang. Im gonna go to nick's now tho, we're gonna Dance Dance
woohoooooo
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May. 6th, 2006 @ 09:10 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: Giggly
Current Music: Intension :: Tool
Today has been quite the sad day!

And nick spiced it up by practically breaking my neck :)



Are you aliveee?
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May. 2nd, 2006 @ 08:52 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: Snappy
Current Music: DATE WITH A NIGHT :: yeah yeah yeahs
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May. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:20 am (no subject)
Current Mood: lmao chipper
Current Music: Zombie Inc. :: In Flames
I've been in a prettyyyyyyy good mood lately :)

Its weird, when im NOT in a good mood, i have plenty to write in here, but when im generally cheerful, i don't know what to say :-P

Well, im pretty much ready for school to end...which is gonna happen in...26 more school days :)

i sure hope this summer will be better than the last one...: / yikes
OH OH OH, drivers license real soon!


I hope this optimism pays off
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Apr. 28th, 2006 @ 08:37 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: Lonely
Current Music: Cold and Ugly :: Tool
Blahhh, things seem weird.

I don't know what to say, so i'll do a ... list

1. Steve got a job offer to work in SUDAN, yeah, Iraq, he'd be there for sixth months (maybe more) and he'd make 100,000 dollars. That'd be like, double what he makes in a year....but he's so stupid, and talking about how he isn't going to :( That'd be (as nick said) killing two birds with one stone, i wouldn't have to deal with his shiz, and we'd finally be out of our 'debt'.

2. I've had trouble sleeping the past 2 nights, i mean, A LOT of trouble, its crazy, that is supposed to be a side-effect to my medicine, but im beginning to think that the doctor just gave me a placebo, cuz i don't think it's doing it's job.

3. Overnight, ALL my teeth started hurting, its hard to chew, i don't know why, its super sucky

4. I haven't been hungry in a while, so i have to force myself to eat

5. All my friends seem to be having some kind of sucky stage in their lives, and i feel guilty for not doing anythinggggg


But yeah, im gonna go try to eat some Hamburger Helperrr

Mwah
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